Posts

Our Car Died. Yippee!

Well, our car decided to die on us the other day.  That was how the day started, and it was just a way to throw anxiety onto an already simmering mess.  The last week has seen its share of ups and downs,  and a whole lot of not writing on this blog.

Luckily my in-laws came to the rescue over the car issue, so there is a lot less stress over that.

I would like to say that there is a good reason for not getting anything posted in a while, but that would be a lie.  There is never a good reason.  It just seems that my motivation sucks.  This is something that has changed a lot since my struggles with anxiety began.  I used to be a very motivated person, and now those days are long gone.

I am not sure what it is about anxiety and lack of motivation.  The simple fact that there is something that needs to be done can cause a lot of anxiety.  Even if it is something that I would normally look forward to, having an event or task on my schedule brings with it a good dosage of ill feelings.  Thi…

The Ups and Downs Since Procastinating

Well, this was supposed to be a blog that was updated every day.  It was supposed to be a spot where I talked about my daily dealings with anxiety and what it was like living with that and agoraphobia.  It didn't take long for me to skip a few days, something that I am not really proud of.  All I can say is that I will try harder to be more disciplined with this.

I should get you caught up on the past two days, as they are reasons for why I am feeling like I am today.

Two days ago I had a morning counselling appointment.  It is something that I never really look forward to.  First of all, because it means I have to leave the apartment.  That brings with it a certain level of anxiety in of itself.  Secondly, because I never know what to talk about.  I know that for some people, counselling sessions are great because they get to let loose everything that has been building up inside of them.  For some reason, I never know how to start the session and am at a loss as to how to sum up …

Dinner at the In-Law's

Today started out like yesterday.  Early morning fishing.  I can honestly say that things went better today.  Within ten minutes I had caught two good sized small mouth bass.  I contemplated keeping them, but eventually yielded to the fact that my fish cleaning skills are sub-par and I threw them back in the water.  This did not sit well with my wife, who did not suppress her shock at the fact that I let them go.  It was clear that a fresh fish dinner would have made her happy.

Right now I am at my in-law's house.  We spent some time down at the lake that their house sits on, and it was a good visit.  I was then treated to maple bacon potato chips, and I must say that they are a hit.  It was a very good flavour combination, and I ate the entire bag before I realized it.

What is nice about today is the fact that the anxiety has been at a minimum.  I have been able to survive the day so far with very little of it.  There was some in the morning built in around the fact that I was go…

A Little Bit of Fishing

Today was all about fishing.  Hitting the lake in the early morning, and seeing what gigantic monsters we could reel in to feed friends and family.  Ambitions were high, and it was a nice calm day out on the lake.  Unfortunately, the only action that was seen was the one that got away.  My sister in law had a really nice sized bass on her line, only to have it break away at the last minute.  Too many fishing tales centre around the one that got away.

As good as the time was, it wasn't without its share of anxiety.  The pre 6am wake up was looming over me last night, and I couldn't help but be swarmed with feelings of self doubt and anxiety.  It wasn't because I was not looking forward to fishing with my relatives, but merely the fact that there was something that I had to do that I needed to be up for.

The anxiety kept me awake for hours, as I tossed around in bed, my body showing little regard for the two sleeping medications that I took.  The anxiety was overwhelming, an…

The Small Victory

Well, today was a day with a victory.  Be it a small one, but be it a victory nonetheless.  A number of years ago I started a blog where I was going to review a movie a day.  It was something that was born out of my anxiety and was a tool to keep me active and doing something.  It started out well, but after about two months I started missing a day here or there, and then would eventually go weeks or months with nothing posted.

Part of the reason for this is because of the anxiety.  On some days, just the actions of sitting down at the keyboard to pound something out was difficult to do.  I can get anxious about having things to accomplish, and, at times, the blog added to that.  It would cause anxiety, which would cause procrastination, which in turn would cause feeling defeat, which, of course, would cause more anxiety.

It was a vicious little cycle that came about.  I think a number of people can relate to the anxiety that can come along with accomplishing a task and how that cause…

Home alone

Today was supposed to be all about family.  My wife's aunt, uncle, cousin (along with her husband and child) were up to visit.  As well, there was Rachel's sister and her husband.  It is a stellar group of people, and the plan was to go over and spend the day with them at Rachel's parents house.  I, however, bowed out of this activity due to anxiety.

It is the same reason why I missed out on my side of the family getting together last weekend.  It doesn't matter how much I love the people involved, it is just that too many people makes it very difficult for me to function.  I know that there are plenty of people who would say, 'just deal with the anxiety and do it,' but that is not a good option for me.

While I am attending such things, I am pretty much only there in physical form.  My mind is freaking out and I am just trying to focus on keeping my shit together.  No matter how hard I try, I cannot engage in meaningful conversation, and I have dread over parti…

Greetings

It is an idea that I had about a week ago: do a blog that talks about living with anxiety and agoraphobia, and make sure that I post at least once a day.  The idea was created with good intentions, and I aimed to do it right away.  Heck, I almost got out of bed immediately and started formatting this thing.

But time came and went.  I didn't jump on it right away, and instead kept telling myself that I would get around to it.  There was always tomorrow that it could be done.  The more I thought about it, the more I wanted to do it, but also the less sure I was about doing it.  It is one thing to have the idea, and another to implement it and put myself out there in a vulnerable way.

It's not like this is something that I am not used to.  I have been open with people about my mental health struggles, and even co-hosted a podcast on the issue for a time.  The trouble is, every time you put yourself out there, you are leaving something exposed that could be robbed and distorted by…