Greetings

It is an idea that I had about a week ago: do a blog that talks about living with anxiety and agoraphobia, and make sure that I post at least once a day.  The idea was created with good intentions, and I aimed to do it right away.  Heck, I almost got out of bed immediately and started formatting this thing.

But time came and went.  I didn't jump on it right away, and instead kept telling myself that I would get around to it.  There was always tomorrow that it could be done.  The more I thought about it, the more I wanted to do it, but also the less sure I was about doing it.  It is one thing to have the idea, and another to implement it and put myself out there in a vulnerable way.

It's not like this is something that I am not used to.  I have been open with people about my mental health struggles, and even co-hosted a podcast on the issue for a time.  The trouble is, every time you put yourself out there, you are leaving something exposed that could be robbed and distorted by someone.  You are trusting that people take what you say and treat it with respect.

That's not always the way things work when it comes to mental health issues.  They are highly stigmatized, and admitting that you are afflicted with one can mean that you are cast aside.  I really applaud people who are able to do this on a regular basis, because it is extremely difficult.

To give you a bit of background on myself, I have suffered from anxiety for the past four years, and agoraphobia for the past two and a half.  It was one thing to get anxious, but it became another thing all together when I found that leaving my apartment meant full on panic attacks.  I have always been stressed out in crowds, but not to the degree that I am now.  I turn into essentially a zombie, as I have an almost aimless walk while in public as my mind is focusing solely on putting on foot in front of the other and getting through it.

This has definitely not been easy on my wife.  I used to do all of the grocery shopping, and now she has to.  I am not able to do other things like go for a casual stroll anymore.  That is something that I have been trying to get better at, and I think I am making a little bit of progress in that regard.  My counsellor would call it 'exposure therapy,' but I can't help but think of it as putting myself through hell.  I do it for my wife, but I also do it because I don't want to be constrained to the apartment all day and night.

On a side note, tonight is Midnight Madness in beautiful little Haliburton, Ontario.  It is when the main street shuts down and there are all sorts of vendors out and about, with many locals and cottagers alike milling around to spend the evening.  I will not be attending that.  Instead, I plan on putting my headphones on and pretending that there is not a massive swarm of humanity taking place a couple hundred metres away.

Comments

  1. You are very brave detailing your daily journey with anxiety and agrophobia. I know this site will help others as they also live life with mental illness. And to thin the entire time you've had ths challenge, you have been the co-host on a small movie podcast that requires a lot of preparation and work. I say you are dealing with it well.

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