Home alone
Today was supposed to be all about family. My wife's aunt, uncle, cousin (along with her husband and child) were up to visit. As well, there was Rachel's sister and her husband. It is a stellar group of people, and the plan was to go over and spend the day with them at Rachel's parents house. I, however, bowed out of this activity due to anxiety.
It is the same reason why I missed out on my side of the family getting together last weekend. It doesn't matter how much I love the people involved, it is just that too many people makes it very difficult for me to function. I know that there are plenty of people who would say, 'just deal with the anxiety and do it,' but that is not a good option for me.
While I am attending such things, I am pretty much only there in physical form. My mind is freaking out and I am just trying to focus on keeping my shit together. No matter how hard I try, I cannot engage in meaningful conversation, and I have dread over participating in any conversation at all. I find myself just picking a corner of the room and watching the clock until it is time that I can leave while having felt that I have met the obligations.
I don't want social interactions to feel like obligations. I want to be able to participate in them because they intrigue and energize me. This is how I used to be, even though I am an introvert. I still got lots out of visiting with people and chatting it up. This is one area of my life that I feel like I have lost due to anxiety, and it really sucks.
It leaves me being the person who appears to have little interest in family and friends. It makes me look like someone who is a snob or above others by not showing up. It makes me look as though I just don't care, which is far from the truth.
The problem is that if I just went through with it and had gone to my in-laws today, I would have been dealing with the side effects of it for days, if not weeks. The way it works with my anxiety is that I just don't feel it during the moment, but it lingers on and strangles me for a while afterwards. It leaves me feeling like an infant that will cry for no reason whatsoever. Putting words to the lasting effects that anxiety has on me is difficult to do. So, when I make decisions about not participating in something it isn't just to flee from the anxiety of that particular moment, but because I know what it will do to me for an extended period of time afterwards.
And so here I sit at home, alone with a cat on my feet. This is not the life that I would have dreamt of for myself, but it is what I have. I have learned that there is no point in asking 'why me?' or other things like that. It's just the way it is, and I try to make it from one day to the next while striving to be able to function as a human being in at least one form or another.
It is the same reason why I missed out on my side of the family getting together last weekend. It doesn't matter how much I love the people involved, it is just that too many people makes it very difficult for me to function. I know that there are plenty of people who would say, 'just deal with the anxiety and do it,' but that is not a good option for me.
While I am attending such things, I am pretty much only there in physical form. My mind is freaking out and I am just trying to focus on keeping my shit together. No matter how hard I try, I cannot engage in meaningful conversation, and I have dread over participating in any conversation at all. I find myself just picking a corner of the room and watching the clock until it is time that I can leave while having felt that I have met the obligations.
I don't want social interactions to feel like obligations. I want to be able to participate in them because they intrigue and energize me. This is how I used to be, even though I am an introvert. I still got lots out of visiting with people and chatting it up. This is one area of my life that I feel like I have lost due to anxiety, and it really sucks.
It leaves me being the person who appears to have little interest in family and friends. It makes me look like someone who is a snob or above others by not showing up. It makes me look as though I just don't care, which is far from the truth.
The problem is that if I just went through with it and had gone to my in-laws today, I would have been dealing with the side effects of it for days, if not weeks. The way it works with my anxiety is that I just don't feel it during the moment, but it lingers on and strangles me for a while afterwards. It leaves me feeling like an infant that will cry for no reason whatsoever. Putting words to the lasting effects that anxiety has on me is difficult to do. So, when I make decisions about not participating in something it isn't just to flee from the anxiety of that particular moment, but because I know what it will do to me for an extended period of time afterwards.
And so here I sit at home, alone with a cat on my feet. This is not the life that I would have dreamt of for myself, but it is what I have. I have learned that there is no point in asking 'why me?' or other things like that. It's just the way it is, and I try to make it from one day to the next while striving to be able to function as a human being in at least one form or another.
I think one of the best ways of dealing with mental illness but also the hardest, is to not worry what others may think or say when you're trying to implement strategies to keep you healthy. On a victory side, you never ever missed a Breakdown recording due to anxiety. That was me.
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