The Ups and Downs Since Procastinating
Well, this was supposed to be a blog that was updated every day. It was supposed to be a spot where I talked about my daily dealings with anxiety and what it was like living with that and agoraphobia. It didn't take long for me to skip a few days, something that I am not really proud of. All I can say is that I will try harder to be more disciplined with this.
I should get you caught up on the past two days, as they are reasons for why I am feeling like I am today.
Two days ago I had a morning counselling appointment. It is something that I never really look forward to. First of all, because it means I have to leave the apartment. That brings with it a certain level of anxiety in of itself. Secondly, because I never know what to talk about. I know that for some people, counselling sessions are great because they get to let loose everything that has been building up inside of them. For some reason, I never know how to start the session and am at a loss as to how to sum up my life since the last time I saw my counsellor.
This appointment was a good one, though. Through talking, I was able to see that I have done a decent job of pushing myself lately, and that I have been active in not being a recluse. It was a good conversation that left me feeling as though I had accomplished something, and that there was a light at the end of the tunnel, that the anxiety was something that I could get a handle on and overcome.
And then came yesterday. It started out well with a coffee with a good friend in the morning. That caused me some anxiety, but it was very manageable. I came home and enjoyed my morning routine of drinking coffee and reading the news. There was some lingering anxiety from having to be out in the morning, but it wasn't that bad.
However, when the afternoon came around the anxiety started to really blossom. I have no idea what caused it to do so, but it came about like a freight train speeding along the tracks. It didn't matter what I did, the anxiety continued and got worse and worse until I was left laying in bed trying to keep from freaking out and bursting into tears. It was easily the most anxiety I had felt in the past number of months, and it was very unsettling to have it return with such force.
I think that it may have come about due to a few things. Mostly, because I have been more active and better at getting out lately. It was as though me pushing myself brought me to a breaking point that caused a minor melt down.
Which leaves me where I am today, feeling exhausted and frustrated. The exhaustion is from the emotional turmoil of yesterday, and the frustration is because just a single day before the massive anxiety I was feeling as though this was something that I could take control of. Yesterday was a devastating reminder of the fact that I am still subject to massive amounts of anxiety, and that it is going to continue dictating how I live my life.
I know I should not be saying that it is going to dictate my life, that I should be saying that I will live in the face of it and not let it slow me down. That's just not where I am right now. I am feeling robbed because of it, knowing that it has the ability to flatten me out whenever it would like. And that's where the feeling of frustration is coming from. I had just had a good day where a 'normal' life seemed possible, only to have that destroyed the following day by the reminder that I am shackled to a mental health issue that tells me it cannot be controlled.
I don't want it to sound like I see myself as a victim of this. That's the last thing I see this as. I do not see it as some oppressive force in my life, but rather an extension of me that just happens to have a lot of negativity attached to it. Right now, I am just feeling as though that extension holds a lot of power over me and has capped out what I am capable of doing.
I should get you caught up on the past two days, as they are reasons for why I am feeling like I am today.
Two days ago I had a morning counselling appointment. It is something that I never really look forward to. First of all, because it means I have to leave the apartment. That brings with it a certain level of anxiety in of itself. Secondly, because I never know what to talk about. I know that for some people, counselling sessions are great because they get to let loose everything that has been building up inside of them. For some reason, I never know how to start the session and am at a loss as to how to sum up my life since the last time I saw my counsellor.
This appointment was a good one, though. Through talking, I was able to see that I have done a decent job of pushing myself lately, and that I have been active in not being a recluse. It was a good conversation that left me feeling as though I had accomplished something, and that there was a light at the end of the tunnel, that the anxiety was something that I could get a handle on and overcome.
And then came yesterday. It started out well with a coffee with a good friend in the morning. That caused me some anxiety, but it was very manageable. I came home and enjoyed my morning routine of drinking coffee and reading the news. There was some lingering anxiety from having to be out in the morning, but it wasn't that bad.
However, when the afternoon came around the anxiety started to really blossom. I have no idea what caused it to do so, but it came about like a freight train speeding along the tracks. It didn't matter what I did, the anxiety continued and got worse and worse until I was left laying in bed trying to keep from freaking out and bursting into tears. It was easily the most anxiety I had felt in the past number of months, and it was very unsettling to have it return with such force.
I think that it may have come about due to a few things. Mostly, because I have been more active and better at getting out lately. It was as though me pushing myself brought me to a breaking point that caused a minor melt down.
Which leaves me where I am today, feeling exhausted and frustrated. The exhaustion is from the emotional turmoil of yesterday, and the frustration is because just a single day before the massive anxiety I was feeling as though this was something that I could take control of. Yesterday was a devastating reminder of the fact that I am still subject to massive amounts of anxiety, and that it is going to continue dictating how I live my life.
I know I should not be saying that it is going to dictate my life, that I should be saying that I will live in the face of it and not let it slow me down. That's just not where I am right now. I am feeling robbed because of it, knowing that it has the ability to flatten me out whenever it would like. And that's where the feeling of frustration is coming from. I had just had a good day where a 'normal' life seemed possible, only to have that destroyed the following day by the reminder that I am shackled to a mental health issue that tells me it cannot be controlled.
I don't want it to sound like I see myself as a victim of this. That's the last thing I see this as. I do not see it as some oppressive force in my life, but rather an extension of me that just happens to have a lot of negativity attached to it. Right now, I am just feeling as though that extension holds a lot of power over me and has capped out what I am capable of doing.
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